Rock

It was not for the first time that I enjoyed the beautiful landscape of Kapadokya in central Turkey. I lived there for some months in 2007, and since I have been living in Istanbul I have come back to the region often, for romantic reasons. But this time I came just for myself. The love is no more. And that made me sit on the soil of Kapadokya differently.

Let me explain why I’m here. Two Dutch spiritual coaches, Carolien and Anna, organize a retreat here, called ‘In the rhythm of your nature’. Their aim is to use the landscape of Kapadokya to make people connect with their own unique nature within. I know Carolien, we talked about the retreat, and the plan evolved that I would join it and try to sell a story about it. I got a magazine interested, so the next step was to pack my bag and open myself to a dose of spirituality.

It is a total coincidence (no, I’m not going to discuss that concept) that the retreat is organized in the village next to the one where my, until very recently, amour lives. And that the overall theme of the retreat is ‘letting go’. But even though it seems obvious what my personal ‘letting go’ would be, it turned out differently.

Carolien and Anna took us to a valley with the most amazingly shaped rocks. They gave us a small mat to sit on and told us to go find a place that suited us and just be in that place. I quickly ended up underneath a huge hanging rock. That felt safe, solid, protected. That’s what I have been missing for the last couple of years. I mean, I can always find those things inside me, but the point is, even a tough and independent woman sometimes wants to lean. Against a rock. And the Kapadokya rocks are great, in the symbolic sense. They are made of volcanic tuff stone, so they are solid, but also soft, malleable, taking shape over time. Stability and change united. Wouldn’t it be great to find that not only in me, but in another person too?

Now, since we all know that finding something is only possible if you open yourself up to it, we naturally come to what I need to let go of. I have to let go of feeling the need to be the rock myself all the time. I didn’t get the chance to these last couple of years, or, more correctly, of course: I didn’t give myself the chance to. If somebody gives you a lot but not the one thing you really need, then you have to go. I postponed that for too long. That’s not being dramatic, that’s just the way it is.

And then, in another session, something small but significant happened in the interaction with two other women. I don’t want to share it, but it really made us laugh, and it made me realize that maybe I’ve already gone further than I thought in being able to not always be a rock, but to be weak too, to give the reins away now and then. So let it come, this rock. This stable but at the same time soft rock. To sometimes lean against.